An open letter to my rapist,
Well, I see you have blocked me on Facebook. That’s probably for the best. I don’t want to see you in my feed anymore, or get your chats trying to initiate phone sex out of the blue. I used to laugh at those.
Last time we talked publicly I mentioned what happened— that I was too drunk and you were too persistent. But that was putting it mildly, because it was so much worse than that. Still, it surprised you, and that’s when you blocked me before I could go into detail about how fucked up it was that you pulled me into your friend’s bedroom and had sex with me when I told you no. I’m sure your side of the story is very different. “You should have just told me if you felt uncomfortable” leads me to believe you thought it was a consensual act.
Now I begin to wonder; what made you think it was consensual? Was it because we were making out? Because we’d had sex before? Because I was at a party your friends were hosting? Because I asked if you had protection while you were undressing and entering me?
I want to make it clear right here and now, that no. I did not consent. I was more than ‘uncomfortable.’ I was raped. And you, sir, have probably raped before and will do so again, because you don’t respect boundaries. You assume control over people’s bodies. You tell yourself you’re not a rapist and that you’re a feminist and an anti-homophobe or whatever, but you don’t take accountability for yourself.
It took a while for me to understand what happened. The morning after, I met my dad for breakfast and tried to act normal, but for some reason I was freakin out inside. That night, I lost my keys because I was in such a hurry to get home afterward that I dropped them as soon as I unlocked my bike. I was tense and anxious for weeks, but still I couldn’t process the facts from that night.
See, that’s how a lot of rapes work. The raped are tricked or taught or socialized or trained to believe that they did not experience rape . Rape is a thing that happens to beautiful women that walk onto dark alleys, right? That would never happen to me!!!
Likewise with men that commit rape. I’m pretty sure most of them don’t realize that they have crossed a line. And that is what helps them sleep at night, helps them to think they are still feminists, still ‘nice guys’, totally fighting the same battles as you. They would never violently force themselves on a woman!
And here is where it gets super shady and nasty. If the current statistic for rape in this country is about one in four women (roughly because so many go unreported or are just attempted), how many women have you had sex with? Are you sure they were totally into it? Were either of you drunk? What did they do afterwards? Run home immediately after, even at 5am in the freezing cold?
An overwhelming aspect of rape culture is that men can’t seem to accept the notion that they are one if the ‘bad ones.’ Rape is still seen as a terrible thing but only happening on TV shows or by violent unhinged killers that stalk the streets. It’s why women can’t recognize rape when it happens to them, and why men don’t see what they are committing as rape.
Consent matters. Make sure you have it. Don’t act all surprised when a person you had sex with says you raped them- you probably did because you didn’t get their consent.
sick of seeing this shit in my town